Does living with an immature partner ever become easier? Will he ever grow up? Will he ever stop acting like he’s single and commit to our relationship? Will he ever become more considerate? We live together, but does he love me? While the image used depicts a jokey quote about men and women in relationships, these questions are anything but funny and are just some of the variations of the same question that seem to be coming up again and again recently. When this happens, I like to address the question more broadly in one of my posts. A post on living with an immature partner may not, at first, seem relevant on a site like Aquarian Insight, but when you consider that the vast majority of reading requests received concern relationships, and especially the future of existing relationships then it becomes clearer. Some may see me writing this post as bad business practice as it may well turn out that after reading this you will not need a tarot reading; but I think if that is the case, then I have been successful.
So, just like with any tarot reading, let’s look at the problem first. The majority of these types of situations seem to concern clients who want to know if their partners/boyfriends/husbands (sorry guys, you seem to be the biggest perpetrators of this when looking at Aquarian Insight clients, although I’m pretty sure there are just as many women who are guilty because I know of a few) will ever change or grow up. In most cases the querent is very much in love with his or her other half and may even feel that they are loved, but are frustrated by the fact that he doesn’t seem to prioritise the relationship or even worse, just acts like he is single when it comes to making decisions. Let’s look at some examples of the types of behaviour which one may encounter in a situation like this:
One couple had been living together for a number of years and yet the boyfriend just came home from work one day and announced that he had booked a two week vacation abroad for himself to visit friends and family. It did not even occur to him that this may be something he should have discussed with his partner. In another example, a man would regularly just enjoy spending time by himself; mundane activities like listening to music, watching television or movies and on the rare occasions he would do these activities with his wife, he more often than not would just select what he wanted to watch/hear. For yet another couple, their problem was that the whole relationship was based on what the man was comfortable with. This couple’s sex life was based on his needs and desires and they would be physically intimate from anything from hugs and kisses to making love based on whether he wanted to or not; what she felt or wanted was never taken into consideration.
There could be a multitude of reasons for this behaviour; this may be a way to retain power in a relationship for an individual who may generally feel quite insecure and powerless, the person could be quite selfish and likes the idea of having everything his own way (very much like a spoilt child), or he lacks the maturity and experience to understand how people should behave in a relationship. I feel that whatever the specific reason, more times than not, immaturity can be found to be a cause. I want to be clear, I don’t mean someone who likes to have fun (unless fun is all they like to have) as I personally think the older we get the more in need of fun we are and a break from all the seriousness that goes along with being an adult. Too often, being carefree is associated with being immature, even though this is not always the case. Immaturity, at least in the context of this article, refers to an individual with an under-developed emotional state, so they may behave like someone much younger or inexperienced.
It can be very difficult to be the only one in a relationship who thinks ‘We’ and by this I mean, thinks in terms of the two of you being a couple and makes plans accordingly. No-one says a couple should do this all the time, after all everyone needs individual space and time, but over all, if you have committed to be in a relationship, especially in the case when you are married or are living together, you have committed to sharing your lives together. As a male friend recently told me, once he committed to his girlfriend (now his fiancée), then their lives became meshed together. He may go out to play rugby or she to have her nails done with her friends, but they slot their individual pursuits around their shared lives. They usually try to give each other as much notice as possible if they have their own plans, so the other can make the most of their own free time. They are also involved in the others extended life, so for example, when he goes to visit his parents, he takes her with him and when she recently had to help her sister move, he went along with her too without even being asked to. This is obviously not what every couple wants, but the point is that through a commitment to each other and communication and understanding on both sides, they make it work.
The good news is that issues with an immature partner do not have to signify the death of a relationship as long as the problems are addressed, because if they are not, the ‘We’ partner will find his or her resentment growing until it will not be long before that love will turn to something else, maybe even hatred. The partner who just thinks ‘I’ (“I want to do this”, “I think I’ll do this”) without ever considering the ‘We’ may need help to firstly see what he is doing wrong. I have noticed that many men and women who were spoilt as children develop this kind of behaviour in relationships as adults, and most of them are so used to having their every whim satisfied and put first that they do not even realise they are doing anything wrong until they are shown. In the case of those whose behaviour stems from insecurities and who use this as a way to exert control and limit being hurt, it may be necessary to seek counselling, maybe initially as a couple if required but definitely as an individual to get to the root cause of the issues.
My advice for those living with an immature partner is something that I have written about before in an article called We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve. You are responsible for making sure you are in a rewarding, loving relationship, so don’t get caught up in the blame game . It may be that the person you are with cannot or will not change, in which case it will be up to you to decide whether this is something you can live with. While no relationship is plain sailing all of the time, sometimes problems can become insurmountable and then you may be forced to think about looking elsewhere for love. Never should you think that this is all there is for you; trust me when I say that there are plenty of great men and women out there who can love you the way you want to be loved. On the other hand, there are many tools available for a couple to try before calling it quits and I have always said in my own personal relationships that as long as there is improvement and compromise, no matter how small the change may be, there is always hope. It is when we stop growing, learning, changing, caring and communicating that hope dies.
All examples used with permission